In a bombshell revelation today, several vampires appeared at a special, midnight congressional hearing to demand a vampire entitlement plan. The program, Federal Assistance for Needy Gothics (FANG), has long been classified as a secret under various legislative maneuvers due to potential public outcry. During the hearing, a few of history’s most famous undead flanked the lesser known poor of the vampire world, calling for special benefits for those vampires who are not wealthy enough to afford their lifestyle. This has come on the heels of calls for stake control, as well as for bans on clergy members wielding weapons and bans on blessed bullets, which the National Werewolf Rifle Association called “reactionary nonsense.”
“These men and women are not your classical vampires,” declared Dracula before the House Select Committee on Supernatural Phenomena. “They do not sparkle or live in castles, nor are they nobles or wealthy. They attack no one. They simply wish to make a living while living the lives which they have been so endowed – a life of immortality.”
Before committee members could even begin debate, compelling testimony from Alianne Malikae was given, “Do you know how much it costs to purchase a pint of O-negative from a local blood bank? Over $1,000! I work nights as a parking lot attendant, and I’ve made down payments on my cars with less money, and chicken blood just doesn’t cut it. I can only drink so many McNuggets before it starts to taste like Barbeque Sauce and, believe me, that sauce tastes better.”
Under the proposed plan, undead Americans would receive a monthly food allowance of 20 units of O-positive, but the committee members were quick to point out that vampires should be getting soon-to-be out of date blood, and not the fresher stock needed for hospitals. “We can all eat TV dinners and heat pockets, so why can’t you folks simply ‘nuke’ your meal too?”
Nosferatu was the next to give his statement, explaining that frozen blood, while adequate, simply didn’t have the same level of satisfaction, and could lead to more lives, in his words, “changed.” He then took aim one of the male committee members with a cutting barb, stating “you do not appear to have missed too many steak dinners. Perhaps you could afford to donate a unit of whole to our cause.”
Those in the gallery, both the undead and undead enthusiasts, were rather vocal during this entire session. Many held banners with the slogan “Better Undead than Red,” taking aim at many anti-Vampire activists in the Republican Party. Another banner read “Vampires Don’t Suck, but Clinton did,” and some in the audience, when the committee tried to adjourn early, chanted “Bloodsuckers.” As the hearing drew to a close, Dracula and Nosferatu stood side by side In the moonlight, greeting reporters and declaring victory.
“We have scored a victory for Vampires’ Rights tonight,” Dracula boasted. “We will no longer hide in the dark shadows and live in dingy castles. We immigrated to America, we did our legal duty to become citizens. We learned the history, both standard and undead, of the American people and this is still the greatest country in the world. No, if you don’t mind, the bloodmobile is at the National Mall, and we are starving for a buffet, yes?”